I got an email the other day from a plastic surgery practice reminding me that if I’m ever unsure what to get “that special someone for their birthday, anniversary, or Valentine’s Day” I should give them the gift of beauty – a gift certificate for “a wide range of procedures, from non-surgical to surgical” that the gift card amount could be applied toward.
At first, I thought, ooof, how could you give that to someone without them taking it as an insult? Oh man, I can just see THAT anniversary celebration:
Does he think I “need work”?
If so, a $25 gift certificate doesn’t even come close to how expensive this stuff is … (but phew, I did a really good job of hiding that BOTOX receipt).
But if he gives me a really big gift certificate, does that mean he thinks I look like a Picasso painting and need an appointment immediately?
Yikes. This gift is just a disaster waiting to happen!
But wait. Let me be honest.
While I totally appreciate and applaud women and men who are against doing a little “sumpin sumpin” every now and then, I’m not one of them.
And this hair? Guess what? I’m 64 years old … my hair isn’t really this color (just take a look at the two-toned action I have going on during the pandemic). Nope, it’s Melanie’s artistry and experience.
And although you may think that I have naturally smoky eyelids, ha! Fooled you again! That’s makeup! And not just makeup, but hours watching Dominique Sachse’s “Makeup Facelift” (and all her other videos too. She’s amazing!).
Yep, skincare, dyed hair, and makeup. So, are BOTOX, or fillers, or even, GASP, surgery such a big deal? Well, I don’t think so.
One thing I’ve learned during this fun time we’re all calling “the Coronavirus Pandemic” but I prefer to call “The Year I Got My Shit Together” is that I’m the same person with my two-toned hair and flesh-colored eyelids that I am when I dye my hair and wear makeup. I’m totally comfortable either way. And the people I’ve come in contact with haven’t told me to return that painting to the museum or stopped letting me shop at their grocery store.
I also LIKE knowing that a little moisturizer at night can keep my skin looking healthy. I LIKE watching Dominique’s videos and trying out her techniques. I LIKE going to Melanie and blabbing about what we’ve been doing lately, new television shows, and how I still want to look like Chrissie Hynde.
And I like knowing that if those little horizontal lines on my forehead are bugging me, I know just where to go to get rid of them. And I’m fine with that.
Because the BIGGEST thing that has been reinforced during “TYIGMST” is this: when a virus can cause you a year-long isolation, when lives are lost from disease and hatred, when (you can fill in this blank – there are lots of examples) … then REALLY???? Who gives a damn whether someone has plastic surgery or not, or chooses to have gray hair, or isn’t a size 4, or IS a size 4???
So whether it’s a gift certificate for plastic surgery or a gift certificate to The Cheesecake Factory, the important takeaway here is that you are someone’s “special someone” … and these days, that’s really all that counts.
I like to think I’m pretty savvy when it comes to using new technology to simplify my life and streamline my work. The key words here are “like to think,” because just when I think I’m at the front of the I’m-just-like-the-kids superuser line, something (or in this case, someone) introduces me to a hack that’s been around for about 15 years – and I’m that old-lady Luddite in a babushka, talking about the glory of the days before machines.
So what is this newfangled technology? Get ready: electronic check deposit (and yes, I can hear some of you laughing … but I’ll bet, and by “bet” I mean “hope,” there are a couple of you out there who, like me, haven’t yet joined the check-selfie crowd).
I was introduced to mobile check deposit yesterday when one of my awesome nephews told me to “just deposit the check with your phone.” EXQUEEZE ME? Deposit it with my phone? Okay, yes, I have seen ads about electronic check deposits, but I haven’t DONE it!! I’ve also seen pictures of people giving their personal banking information to strangers in the hopes that those strangers will defraud them and ruin their lives irrevocably, but I haven’t done that either!
Turns out, of all of the possible online banking features, electronic check deposit (you just snap a picture of the front and signed-back of a check on your smartphone and deposit it using your bank’s mobile app) is actually one of the last to catch on. According to a 2018 Harland Clarke “Mobile Deposit Consumer Survey” (the most recent I could find), about 37% of people age 55+ used the feature at that time.
But COVID-19 added a little oomph to mobile banking usage in the last ten months.
In a September 2020 interview with Karen Webster in PYMNTS.com, Mike Diamond, general manager of digital banking at Mitek, said that we’re unlikely to revert to pre-pandemic behavior when it comes to things like going to a bank branch or, God forbid, using a “germ-laden ATM” just to deposit a check. And once banks show consumers how to use mobile check deposit (and illustrate its safety), we’ll all be using the feature regularly.
And all this doesn’t even take into consideration other digital payment channels, like Venmo, that reinforce predictions that paper checks are going the way of … well, paper.
Okay, I think it’s worth a try – according to everything I’ve read, it’s as safe as other online and mobile banking functions. But if you’re going to join me, here are some important considerations:
Download your mobile banking app directly from your bank or credit union’s website to make sure it’s the latest version of the official app
Only use banking apps downloaded from your phone’s native app store since these can “enforce certificate pinning to avoid man-in-the-middle” attacks which could happen at unsecured Wi-Fi hotspots. (In regular language … certificate pinning is an extra layer of security that ensures that you’re really going to the site you think you’re going to, and “man-in-the-middle” is that asshole who wants to steal your information)
Avoid depositing fraudulent checks by only accepting paper checks from people you know and trust (duh)
Lock your smartphone using a unique PIN or biometric information (facial recognition, fingerprint recognition)
Keep an eye on your account – go through your deposits, interest payments, and debits on a regular basis.
Also, banks may limit the amount you can deposit and you may experience delays in processing and clearing, there may be fees involved, and some types of checks may be excluded. To avoid delays, banks urge mobile deposit customers to ensure their signature is legible (yes, you still have to endorse the check!!), check images are clear (the app will help you with this), and the amount you enter matches the amount on the check.
And don’t forget to submit/send it (according to lots of articles, this happens … frequently!).
Last, they encourage users to keep the paper check until you’ve double “checked” that it has cleared (check images are not stored on your phone) and then shred the paper check.
So, what do you think? Have you used mobile check deposit technology? Do you think you’ll give it a try? Want me to try it first and report back? Send me a check (any amount is fine, but please keep in mind that my bank limits me to $10,000 per month) and I’ll let you know if it works.
Mitek is a software company that specializes in digital identity verification and mobile capture built on artificial intelligence algorithms and allows people to deposit checks via their mobile phones.
2020 is almost over, and if there were ever a year in which being “NOT YET DEAD” seems like an accomplishment, it’s this one. We’ve lost loved ones, gotten sick, been scared, stayed home, washed groceries, dealt with “virtual learning,” reimagined two-parent work schedules, and lost jobs. We’re over it.
So when I started writing this blog, I thought I would write about the past, just to get myself out of the “what-a-shitty-year-this-has-been” attitude and back into a more pleasant state of mind. I’d start with the 50s, and although I had only reached age 4 by the end of the decade, I somehow remembered it as being pretty cool. I was ready to write about all the AWESOME things that happened in the past, justify my attitude about 2020, and look forward to the COVID vaccination and a new year!
And then, as it always does when I start looking at the FACTS, I had a nice little meeting with reality.
I “Googled” the 1950s and, yeah, there were great things like Elvis singing “All Shook Up,” television sets playing “I Love Lucy,” and a booming economy. But while I was shakin’ to Elvis and loving Lucy, my parents and millions of other sentient people (unlike myself) must have been freaking out. Because if it wasn’t bad enough that the Asian Flu pandemic (1957) killed more than 70,000 Americans, parents also had to deal with the fact that polio, a “contagious viral illness that in its most severe form causes nerve injury leading to paralysis, difficulty breathing and sometimes death,” threatened THEIR CHILDREN!!!
Polio was called “infantile paralysis” because it mostly affected children under five. In 1950, 28,386 severe cases were reported. By 1952, there were 55,000.
Yeah, that’s what they were dealing with. You couldn’t let your children go outside in the summer (IN THE SUMMER!!!) when outbreaks were at their peak. Pools, theatres, schools and churches were closed. Travel was restricted and quarantines were imposed on homes and towns where people were diagnosed.
And here’s a nice little vocab reminder from that time … Iron Lung. Do you remember hearing those words? Maybe it was just my ultra-anxious family, but whoa baby. I sure remember hearing about iron lungs and why they were used, and I was terrified … so I can only imagine how my parents felt!
So, by this point in my little march down memory lane I started to recognize the rose-colored tint I had on the past, especially when I added “Swine Flu,” the second measles outbreaks, HIV/AIDS, whooping cough, and other epidemics. And I hadn’t even TOUCHED on the wars and social injustices witnessed over the six decades I’d been alive.
Maybe I need to adjust my thinking.
If all those awful things happened in the past, why do I remember it as being so great? And so much better than right now?
So I asked my friend Google again, and I got more than 863,000,000 results (evidently the subject has been given some thought!).
You look to the past with a sense of certainty that the present can’t provide – basically, we know how it’s going to turn out
As you experience more, it takes more to “wow”
It wasn’t as easy to engage in social comparison in the past – thank you social media
Your perspective of the past has shifted – you have more confidence that you can deal with the things that stressed you in the past, so you tend to look back on them as “they weren’t so bad after all”
If the past wasn’t that great at the time, but I could look back on it and think it was fantastic, then would there come a day when I would look back on 2020 with the same positive lens? From doing this little exercise in retrospection, I’m thinking, yes.
But it’s not just that one day I’ll look BACK on all this with a different perspective that makes me feel a little less miserable about 2020. It’s also the fact that I can look at 2020 NOW and think about some of the OTHER experiences this past year brought that were among the best times of my life.
And according to that same article, here’s how:
“Be able to be comfortable with discomfort. You might not be able to perceive the present moment with the same sense of certainty that you reflect on the past with, but you can improve your ability to be comfortable with the discomfort and uncertainties that the present moment might throw your way.
“Minimise comparison. You’re not here to outdo others, you’re here to live a fulfilling life of your own.
“Manage your expectations. Not everything you do will be the best thing you’ve ever done or the best thing you’ve ever accomplished, and that’s fine. Life is going to have highlight reel moments, and some less than stellar moments.
“Engage in binary thinking. Shift your focus from the quality of what you’re doing to the fact that you’re simply doing it.”
So 2020, sorry I’ve been disrespecting you so much. You really weren’t all that bad.
Since it ‘tis the season for gifts, my husband asked me recently what I wanted to do with all the “frequent flyer” points we accumulated over the past year from our (my) credit card use. We could redeem them for gift cards, shop at Amazon using the points, or (the worst choice of ALL) just get cash back to be used toward our balance (where’s the fun in that???).
I must have been completely immersed in binge-watching “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” because I told him I didn’t care (thus the “free” golf club that was delivered yesterday). Nevertheless, I felt like he should totally thank ME for the amazing gift (Merry Christmas!) since I was the one who spent all that money on the credit card in the first place so that he could get it. No matter that he probably could have just bought the club for a lot less than I spent getting all those points … I get it, I get it!
And while I love the rewards programs that credit card companies offer, and love getting my $5-off coupon from the hardware store (to use only at the hardware store) and of course love choosing my sample-size foundation primer after spending a million dollars at my favorite “retailer of personal care and beauty products,” the VERY BEST customer loyalty program OF ALL TIME was S&H Green Stamps.
If you aren’t lucky enough to be old like me, let me explain the wonder of one of America’s first “shopper loyalty” rewards programs (for those of you who do remember, please share your memories below!).
Operated by the Sperry & Hutchinson company (S&H) founded in 1896 by Thomas Sperry and Shelley Byron Hutchinson, the Green Stamps program was so large that the company posited they issued “three times as many stamps as the U.S. Postal Service!” (Fun fact, the inspiration for the names “Starsky and Hutch,” the 1970s-era police show, came from S&H Green Stamps.)
Whenever you shopped at grocery stores, gasoline stations, and other retailers who participated in the program (and most retailers did participate), you were given stamps (literally green stamps) based on the amount you spent. They all gave out the same stamps (not gas stamps for gas, grocery points for groceries. Just one, small, green stamp that all retailers provided).
The stamps were issued in denominations of one, ten, and fifty points. S&H provided free collection books, and the stamps were licked and pasted into the books. An entire 24-page booklet was worth 1200 points (50 per page).
Just glueing those stamps into those books was the most fun activity ever. Part of the excitement was all that licking (most likely toxic, 1950s glue) and expertly lining up the stamps on each page. When my mom showed me how you could run the stamps over a damp sponge to make the work easier, I was appalled (probably because the adhesive was getting my 5-year-old self high… but who knew? We were also given Paregoric for stomach aches … and THAT was made with opium. Hmm .. no wonder my childhood memories were so happy!).
I hated the 50 point stamps. It wasn’t any fun glueing one stamp on a page. Especially because with each one-point stamp I would glue into that book, I would think about all of the FREE STUFF we could get. I’d study that S&H “Ideabook” for hours.
Then my mom would take us to redeem the books at the Green Stamp Redemption Center (for my fellow Richmonders, I think it used to be the West End Antiques Mall on Staples Mill). My mom wanted practical things like the “Health-O-Meter Oval Bath Scale covered with washable, fluffy, hi-pile fake-fur mat in avocado (4 ½ books)” but I was definitely gunning for the “Sniffles Doll (Drinks and Wets) (1 book).” I’m sure my brother and sister had their own wish lists … and I apologize to them for my single-minded fixation on Sniffles!
And not to rub it in too much to Gen X, Millennials, Gen Z (or even you, you baby Gen Alphas!), but we also used to get free “Golden Wheat” dinnerware in boxes of Duz laundry detergent and Anchor Hocking glassware in Quaker Oats oatmeal boxes. The giveaways were happenin’ non-stop in the 50s and 60s!
Unfortunately, with the 1970s’ recessions, fewer stores offered green stamps and more stamps were required to “purchase” the merchandise. And as other retailers (and airlines) started offering their own rewards programs, the glory days of S&H green stamps ended.
But no matter how great the rewards are at retailers and credit card companies today, nothing will ever replace watching that lady at the grocery checkout tear off just the right number of stamps (five years old and already considering a life of crime … I really wanted those stamps), sitting with my mom glueing them into books, studying that season’s “Ideabook” and especially going with my mom to the redemption center and making our selections together. It was so much more than “free stuff.”
Thinking about you with love, Mom. Thanks for making it fun.
In the field of counterterrorism, 68-year-old Inger “Trigger Finger” Grotteblad and 73-year-old Rick “Crazy BOOmer” LaRoche are considered among the best in the world. Two-fifths of an elite, highly trained unit, Inger and Rick spend their days doing what most “seniors” wouldn’t dream of doing: diffusing bombs and defending hostages using rifles, sub-machine guns, and pistols; high-explosive, decoy, and smoke grenades; tasers and teamwork.
Sure, their logo-emblazoned opponents are generally sitting right next to them in an esports arena, and their thousands of spectators are eagerly cheering for the next kill, but that’s all part of the fun when you’re a “Counter Strike: Global Offensive” senior world champion.
While most players in the $1 billion esports industry retire by the age of 29, companies like Lenovo are out to change the demographic expectations of the industry. To that end, in 2017, the company ran an ad in Stockholm, Sweden looking for men and women with no digital gaming experience, ages 60+, to form the “Silver Snipers,” a Counter Strike esports team to compete in the upcoming Dreamhack digital competition in Sweden. (Counter Strike: Global Offensive (CS:GO) is a multiplayer first-person shooter video game developed by Valve and Hidden Path Entertainment.)
I caught up with Inger and Rick to find out more about what motivated them to become part of the Silver Snipers and what message they want the rest of us to know about bridging generational gaps.
“I saw the ad that Lenovo was looking for three women and two men to become a five-person team,” Inger told me. “They didn’t require any experience, only that you knew a little about computers, could speak English, and that you were interested in learning something new – the game Counter Strike.”
“I asked my kids and grandkids; do you think I should try?” Inger told me. Their response was immediate: “Oh yes grandmother – you’re going to be the greatest grandmother in the world.”
“I was in New York when I received a message asking me to send a video in English (the common language among esports gamers). So I took one of my grandchildren down to 6th Avenue and taped from New York.”
Inger was one of more than 130 women who made the first cut and was invited to “audition” for the team by exhibiting her use of the computer and completing an interview in English. The field was narrowed to five women, and ultimately Inger was one of the two chosen to join the Silver Snipers.
A retired US diplomat living in Stockholm, Rick La Roche is a more recent addition to the Silver Snipers team – although a highly qualified one. “The Silver Snipers had already been quite successful, having competed all over the world and generating global media attention (WSJ, CNN, BBC. They even inspired plans to make a movie about the senior gaming community). So when the idea of creating a world championship came up, another team was formed. This time they were looking for Americans over 60, living in Stockholm. I went ahead and applied and was one of the people selected for the USA team – the “United Senior Assassins.”
A few months after the Swedish win at Dreamhack 2019 (the “United Senior Assassins, Finland’s Gray Gunners, and Germany’s Germinators made up the final four), Rick was asked to “defect” to the Silver Snipers who were then down a team member. (The three other members of the team are Oivind “Windy” Toverud, age 78; Monica “TeenSlayer” Idenfors, age 65; and Anders “BigBang” Nystrom, age 71).
Neither Inger nor Rick identifies with the typical expectations of people in the “senior” age demographic. “There are a lot of assumptions about people our age,” Rick said, “and the goal of our team is to break those assumptions.”
“I’m always curious about new things and not afraid of trying new things.” Inger said. “When you’re an old person you think this isn’t something I can do because I’m too old. I don’t care about that. I do whatever I like.”
Both feel that playing CS:GO has had a very positive effect on them physically and mentally. “Your attention is better,” Inger told me. “You are thinking more quickly, using your brain in another way … you can’t be slow. You have to be rapid in your reflexes. You have to think four steps ahead to play the game and you have to make rapid decisions. You’re keeping your brain alive. And of course, you’re using your hands, and you have to coordinate everything.”
“Prior to diplomatic work, I was in the military,” Rick said, “so I have some real-world experience in this stuff (not that it helps me in the egames!). I’ve found it’s almost like playing a very animated game of chess. Where the avatars are like chess pieces. You’re thinking ahead to create a diversion … there’s a lot of strategy that goes into it.”
For a team that was constantly travelling and competing (including Moscow, Ukraine, Helsinki., and France), and participating in in-person training every other week at Inferno Online (the largest gaming center), COVID-19 has had a profound effect. But to combat the isolation and keep playing, Inger has started a Facebook group for gaming seniors. “More and more people are joining,” she said, “and the media are very interested in us. Many are seniors who had never realized there were other old people gaming. And we’re making friends around the world.”
But it’s not just their fellow seniors that Rick and Inger have reached through their “Silver Snipers” activity. It’s the connection with the Millennial and Gen Z crowd that also excites them and for whom they advocate. “We are passing on a positive image about the younger generations and they are getting a very different image of the elderly.”
“When we talk to young people, they treat us like rockstars,” Inger said. “They think we are so great. We’re old people coming into their community – a community that has been very closed. ‘You are legends,’ they tell us. ‘Can I take a picture with you? can I have your autograph?’’
“People should try this and find out how lovely it is,” she said. “Come see how great the community is and having young friends.”
Rick La Roche concurs: “This is an excellent way of bridging generational fences and promoting greater understanding between these two large demographic groups. The younger generation writes us off, and no one takes advantage of all the expertise and experience we have.” On the other hand, baby boomers tend to write off the game-playing younger generation as time- wasting and disconnected.
“In fact,” Rick continued, “the military is looking seriously at Gen Z kids when they become of military age and at making a concerted effort to recruit them because they believe by that time so much of the war will be cyber-based – and these young kids are ambidextrous, doing many different things at once and assimilating a tsunami of information and making instantaneous decisions.”
“Be nice to young people,” Inger continued, “Don’t be so hard on them for playing. They will be prepared for very interesting jobs and know languages better than we do, and they are meeting people all over the world. They learn how many different people think. It’s good for them and it’s good for you too to stay young at heart. Gamers live about five years longer.”
And Rick added with a laugh, “which doesn’t sound like much until you’re in those last five years!”
When I was three years old, I was so excited because I was going to be a flower girl at my aunt’s fancy wedding in Chicago. I had the most beautiful dress, the fanciest shoes, embroidered lacy white bobby socks, … and access to scissors.
So of course, right before the wedding I cut my bangs (and as much hair on my crown as I could reach) right down to the scalp.
I think that was the first time I exercised my penchant for personal hair styling – one that has continued throughout my 64 years, much to the dismay of the PROFESSIONAL stylists who are (un)lucky enough to call me their client.
What have I done to deserve the title “Most Challenging Person Who Has EVER Sat In My Chair”? Well, over the years …
I’ve straightened my hair (“Hi Melanie, can you suggest anything for these burns on my scalp?”)
I’ve dyed my hair colors that were somehow off the official color spectrum (“Hi, Melanie, can you fix this sort-of-purpley-orange hair?”)
I’ve “streaked” my hair (“Hi Melanie, can you do anything about the green color in my hair?”)
I’ve cut my hair into a shag (“Hi Melanie, can you even out my layers?”)
I’ve, of course, cut my bangs (“Hi Melanie, can you make my hair grow?”)
I’ve even had the nerve to deny doing ANYTHING AT ALL to my hair – while sitting right in front of her all uneven and smelling of formaldehyde.
As you can probably imagine, “Melanie” is the most patient person in the world!! She has not only put up with my scary mistakes, she has actually made me look normal despite whatever challenges I’ve thrown her way. And as time has gone by (and because Melanie assured me she’d see me ANYTIME I wanted to do something so I REALLY didn’t need to do it myself!!!!!) I stopped styling/ruining my own hair and have relied solely on her to keep me looking good (keep in mind what she has to work with).
BUT in March the pandemic hit.
… I think you know where this is going …
FOR NINE MONTHS I HAVE NOT been able to see Melanie. And yep, for some reason, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO SOCIAL LIFE, ONLY USE ZOOM ON AUDIO, and barely leave the house at all, I’ve felt compelled to “do” my hair. With lots of time on my hands and access to scissors and an entire array of hair products online, I’ve reawakened my inner stylist. (I even tried to buy professional strength keratin online, but was thwarted by the requirement to enter my professional license number … and YES, I totally considered making one up!)
Let’s just say there’s a reason for the pink wig!
So Melanie – get ready. Because as soon as I get that vaccination, I am heading your way!
A few days before November 3rd, a friend of mine posted a meme on Facebook – I think it was about voting … or something. I know there were words on it. Or, maybe there weren’t any words. Maybe there were just symbols.
I have no idea. All I vividly remember … is that whatever it said was written on top of a picture of Sam Elliott.
And when I read through the comments, I found that I wasn’t the only one who didn’t have the slightest interest in the meme’s message. It could have said “Cure Found For Covid-19,” or even more important, “How To Lose Weight While You Sleep,” but the only thing of interest, according to the MANY comments, was Sam Elliott and the wild crushes everyone seemed to have on him.
I get it. I vividly remember my first crush. It was George Harrison. Since he wasn’t as seemingly popular as Paul, I was pretty sure that I, a skinny, flat-chested 8-year-old, had a chance to marry him. Whereas Paul might be slightly out of my reach.
And now that I’m a not-as-skinny-but-still-flat-chested 64-year-old, I still have crushes on stars and rock legends. Like Ryan Reynolds (but I think that’s only when he’s Deadpool) or Michael B. Jordan, or Colin Firth, or Dan Stevens, or Lee Min Ho. It’s fun. It means nothing. And it’s not like I think anything could possibly come of it.
But … I completely admit there’s a double standard.
If my husband ever commented about how incredibly good looking a movie star was, then somehow I’d be sure that she feels the same way and is fueling up her jet right now to declare her undying love to him.
Thankfully, I have a husband who loves and understands me (and by understands, I mean indulges) … so while I’m wearing the “Itaewon Class” tee shirt featuring Park Seo Joon that he bought me for my birthday …
… he’s kind enough to wear his “Giant Acorn Triathlon” tee shirt.
And that’s why I love my husband so much … and why I will never leave him for Deadpool.
Here we are, the Sunday before Thanksgiving 2020, and I still haven’t fully committed to our Thursday plans. There’s no turkey thawing in the fridge, no potatoes already starting to spoil on the counter because I STILL don’t know how to store potatoes, and no boxes of Stove Top Stuffing just waiting to thrill my guests (there are, however, many empty bags of Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark that really were bought for Thanksgiving but ended up in my mouth).
I’m confused and not quite ready to act.
Which is exactly how I felt this past week as I started writing this post.
Because every time I started to write something “thankful” about the holiday, I thought about the people who had lost jobs, and worse … lost family to this pandemic. And I wasn’t feeling all that grateful.
BUT THEN I thought about how fortunate we are, and how truly thankful I am for our blessings. And I was back to writing about gratitude.
BUT THEN it was back to how upset I am that my family can’t be together this year, how lonely these past months have felt, and how wonderful it would be to see everyone, to meet my newest great-niece (who is already a year old!), to be with friends we love.
And back and forth and back and forth … you get the picture.
Well, after about eight different drafts (a few therapy sessions, some “CALM” mindfulness practices …. Hell I even found Keano and got her advice), it has come down to this: Thanksgiving 2020 just is confusing. At a time I’m supposed to be thankful, I’m also feeling a little bit guilty because I’m just a little bit pissed too.
So, I’m going to accept that there’s room for gratitude AND frustration this year. That maybe nothing is perfect, but nothing is absolutely horrible either.
And wherever you are, with whomever you’re able to share the holiday, I hope it’s a great one. Next year, everyone is welcome at our house!
I always wanted to be “a singer in a rock and roll band.” I’ve had more fantasies about being in a band than most Americans have about a final word on the 2020 election. Alas, the one time I was in a band (remember my “Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp” gig?) it turned out that my voice wasn’t quite as up to the challenge as my fantasy was.
That hasn’t stopped me. Put me in a car by myself, and I’m ready for my Vocal Eze throat spray and my sound check. But I never want to take the lead vocal. That’s a hard pass. Just like my girl Melanie M. knows, I’ll take the harmony any day! I’ll be a Pip to your Gladys,
But this week, I found a way to combine my need to make sure no one actually HEARS me sing with the excitement of being a part of a “band.” Ladies and gentlemen, introducing “The Sofa Singers.”
The Sofa Singers is a twice-weekly online singing event that brings hundreds of people together from around the world to “spark joy and human connection.” Founded by musician, vocal leader, author, and speaker James Sills as a response to global self-isolation during the Coronavirus outbreak, singers register once a week via Eventbrite then use the free video software Zoom to connect with everyone for 45 minutes of simultaneous singing from the comfort of their own homes.
Thankfully, The Sofa Singers encourages you to “sing as if no-one is listening, because they won’t be.” Due to latency (the delay between video and audio) it’s not possible to synchronize and hear all of the singers at the same time. James therefore gratefully keeps all audio off except for himself and his guitar, while the rest of us belt it out and share the stage with hundreds of fellow singers around the world.
So this past Tuesday, I went on my first worldwide tour, joining more than 400 people from around the globe (including the US, Canada, the UK, France, Costa Rica, Switzerland, Brazil, Equator, the Netherlands, and Israel) as we sang “I’ll Be There” by the Jackson Five (and although there were probably a few Michaels among the crowd, I was totally Tito!).
What a great way to get through the pandemic, AND fulfill one of my fantasies.
Now if I can just find “The Sofa Billionaires” and “The Sofa People with Thin Thighs and No Cellulite,” all my fantasies will be fulfilled.
“Okay, just step right up here onto the scale, and let’s get your weight real quick, sweetie.”
No matter how gently those words are uttered, you might as well be saying, “okay, let’s just cram this knife right into your neck real quick, sweetie, and see how fast your blood flows.”
I hate getting weighed at the doctor. Unless I walk in there and specifically ask, “would you mind finding out how much I weigh, because I don’t have a scale, a mirror, 4,000 apps on my phone, or clothes with waistbands anymore, so I just can’t tell on my own,” then PLEASE don’t weigh me.
Unfortunately, my health care practitioners think this is my first (and only) concern when I visit them. My left arm might be hanging off from a chainsaw injury or I may have passed out in the elevator from a fever, but darn if that scale isn’t going to be my first stop.
I remember the last time I went in for my physical. It was a freezing day in December, let’s say around 4 degrees. As you might expect, I happened to be wearing a tank top … under a sweater, scarf, leggings, pants, socks, shoes, a coat, sunglasses, REALLY heavy earrings, and my wedding band. And I had a surprisingly hefty rubber band in my hair.
“Okay, just step right up here onto the scale, and let’s get your weight real quick, sweetie” my otherwise very understanding and sympathetic nurse requested.
“Um, do you want me to take off my coat? Or, maybe everything I have on before I do that? I don’t mind being completely naked in this hallway as long as it will shave an ounce or two off the results” I said, horrified.
“Oh no,” she replied, “that’s fine. We WANT to see just how much you can possibly weigh. According to medical research, if we put you on the scale in the dead of winter and make you look right at the numbers, we can effectively humiliate you enough that you’ll spend the rest of the day beating yourself up, buying diet books on Amazon, and scouring the Internet for weight loss plans. It’s a deal we have with therapists, publishers, and software developers.”
And don’t even think about losing weight when you’re a woman over 55. Instead, you’ll find out that once you get to “that certain age,” it’s nearly impossible to lose weight and keep the weight off. I’ve tried everything, but the real joke was the “Intermittent Fasting” trend that has become so popular.
I tried …
the 5:2 diet involves eating normally 5 days of the week while restricting your calorie intake to 500–600 for 2 days of the week,
the 16/8 method (fasting every day for 14–16 hours and restricting your daily eating window to 8–10 hours),
“Eat Stop Eat” (24-hour fast once or twice per week),
alternate-day fasting (you fast every other day),
and The Warrior Diet (eating small amounts of raw fruits and vegetables during the day and eating one huge meal at night)
I gained seven pounds.
Now I’m trying the 5:5 intermittent dieting plan.
I eat anything I want for five minutes, then look for something else to eat for five minutes, then eat that for five minutes, etc.
And next time, I’m scheduling my physical for a hot summer day.